Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
