the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just pee around me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
