I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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