So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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