How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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