would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
there is glitter all over my balls
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