Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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