i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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