Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
