I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
