So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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