do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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