Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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