I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
