Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
