There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
