Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
