Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
