I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
