This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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