Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
