so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
