so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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