conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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