You smell like stripper and shame
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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