Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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