You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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