New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
