Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
