Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
