you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
