Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
