Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
