it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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