Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
