Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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