You made me cry and you don't even care
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
