When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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