when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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