Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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