We're like a lot better than the average bears
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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