Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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