see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
