omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
