So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
