I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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