the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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