I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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