I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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