My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize