I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
