considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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