i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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