My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
