The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
